The E(ducation) Files
By Gene Helsel
Ben Adams finished the evening paper and then settled himself into his
recliner. The dinner dishes were done, the kids were down, and the TV was off.
All was quiet except for the soft whimpering of his dog, Strauss, who was
apparently chasing squirrels in his doggy-dreams as he slept fitfully near the
fireplace.
A sharp knock on the front door ended Ben’s reverie. He got up and crossed
the room muttering to himself, "Now, who could that…?"
He had barely opened the door when two blue-suited men squeezed their way
through the opening, hastily flashed badges and said, "Good evening Mr.
Adams. We’re agents Mully and Sculder from the F.B.E. and we’d like a few
words with you. May we sit down?"
Apparently the question was rhetorical, for the agents immediately parked
themselves on the sofa and began flipping through their shiny-black notebooks.
"You’re a Christian, aren’t you, Mr. Adams?"
"Yes, but…hey, who are you guys? And what in the world is the F.B.A?"
"It’s F.B.E., sir. Federal Bureau of Education. We’re here to update
you on some recent policy changes. Please listen carefully and don’t
interrupt."
"But…"
"Last week the President signed legislation that requires you to keep
your children in the Government Schools. You no longer have the option of
switching to Christian education. Too many Christians are refusing to keep their
religion a private matter. They keep insisting that their dogma be applied to
things outside the church. Christian education is having a destabilizing effect
on society because it conditions students to believe that God is relevant to the
‘here and now,’ and not just the ‘hereafter.’"
"But…"
"Therefore the Federal Government has deemed it necessary to help our
children compartmentalize their religious views, and to divorce their faith from
their citizenship. Of course the Government has no objection to believing in
Jesus, just as long as it remains "personal." But we can no longer
tolerate the intrusion of Christian morality into the affairs of the nation.
Children must be taught to disdain absolute truth, goodness and beauty, and
released to pursue their studies free from the narrow-minded constraints of the
Bible. Of course this takes time. But it can be achieved in the classroom by
grudgingly affirming God’s existence while consistently denying His relevance.
"So you’re saying I’m required to keep my kids in Pub…er,
Government Schools?
"That’s correct sir."
"That’s outrageous! It’s un-American!" spluttered Ben.
"You mean the part about denying God’s relevance?" queried Agent
Sculder.
"No, no, I mean the part about being required to keep my kids in the
Government Schools. I should be free to choose."
Agent Mully scribbled. "I’ll note that as your sole objection
sir."
"Well…thanks."
"No problem, Ben."
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